The Gift of the Maxi

Kids,

This post is not an ode to feminine sanitary products. Sick.

This post is about the maxi dress. Maxi dresses are this girl's savior during warm summer months. And I appreciate them so much that I'm going to dedicate an entire blog to it.

First of all, what is the maxi dress? According to Wikipedia, the maxi dress is a woman's dress that is lengthy and can be formal or informal. That's essentially how I'd sum it up, too. A long dress that is kinda loose and fun and free and usually made of some swishy fabric.

The maxi dress made a big splash on the summer fashion scene a few years ago. And I resisted it. Oh, how did I resist it! I mean, it does kind of look like you're wearing a g.d. nightgown around town all the time.

This is a maxi dress you can find at Anthropologie this season. It's called the Summer Ballad Maxi should you want to go back in time and buy it...

But do you know what I've come to recognize about the maxi dress? It makes summer accessible to the rest of us! And by the rest of us, I mean the big girls. I mean, I'm not exactly going in for lap band surgery, but girlfriend ain't a size 0. And do you know what exacerbates a fat girl's dilemma more than anything else? Summertime fashion.

First of all, you have to listen to the skinny minnies bitch. Yes, I understand skinny girls, it's so hard to be you. As a child people called you chicken legs! That must have stuuuuuuung. (Sorry, I'm really not trying to attack you, here. Good for you, I mean that.)

But really. Listening to somebody talk about how they usually wear a size 0, but their bathing suit is a size 2 and can you see their love handles? And do they need to get a tan before even going out in the sun?

A chubby girl with lily white skin has trouble listening to that.

Add to that the fact that shorts are actually supposed to be an acceptable form of fashionwear for women. Can somebody tell me why this happened? Why am I supposed to put my thighs in display, and not even in a skirt, but in something that chokes each individual leg so tightly you'd think the shorts were parasitic and couldn't survive without the substantial girth and warmth of my thigh. I went shopping with my sister two days ago and came across a pair of shorts I found adorable. I picked them up, saw that they were my size (I always opt for a size larger than pants in shorts), and then put them back on the rack saying with disgust, "Ugh, I can't wear shorts!"

My sister looked over at me and said, "You sure talked yourself out of that pretty quickly."

Hell yes, sister. I suuuuuure did. Because shorts are evil. They are just another way to make us feel unpretty during the summer. Skinny girls wearing shorts is like a dagger through my ice cold heart.

But I've digressed so badly! I meant not to gripe but to glorify in this post. I meant to exalt the beautiful maxi, not to denigrate the already degenerate shorts. And of course, I really didn't mean to be mean about skinny people... It's not their fault that I don't live a healthy and active lifestyle.

Anyway. On to maxi dresses...

Here's why they rock.

They're long. They allow you to keep those pale, over-worked, bike-crashed, mosquito-bitten legs hidden from the rest of the world.

They're comfortable. I've taken to wearing the maxi dress to work a lot lately and I keep getting the same remark. "You looks so comfortable in your long, flowy dress." You know what, fellow co-workers? I am so comfortable in my long, flowy dress.

They breathe. This is why the maxi dress really is magical. Because it affords a certain amount of modesty while not drowning you in a blanket of sweat and self-loathing, because who feels pretty when their face is falling off? You can get a nice breeze and you can always pull it up just a little bit (just a little, mind you, I'm no strumpet).

They're cute. Wait, hold on. They're "cute". I still have to get used to the idea of the maxi dress as a fashionable thing. I mean, come on, guys. It's like a beach cover up and a nighty had an illicit affair and are trying to pawn their bastard child off as the fashion savior of the summer. Yeah, the illegitimate little bastard sure is lovely, but is it really fashionable? I'll give it "cute" and functional and leave it at that.

Oh maxi dress, I offer the heartiest thanks and praise to you. I shall put you on a pedestal and wear you day in and day out. I shall blog of your greatness and brag of your wearability. Oh maxi, my maxi, how well you have served me.

Oh! Here are some things I've learned about the maxi, by the by...

1) A lot of maxis are super low-cut either because the women wearing them are perceived to be as loose as their flowing hemlines or because they're just "cuter" that way. One of those awesome bandeau bras from American Apparel (or a cheaper one from H&M) is your best friend here. I mean, sure, a little cleavage is great, but if your breasts are literally falling out, just give them a little help.

2) The idea of the maxi being "lengthy" is sometimes taken to extremes by designers. This is especially true if you're of the "petite" variety, as am I. Belts, ladies. Get a belt. Make a belt. Use a rope as a belt, a la Little Mermaid. Cinch that bad boy around your waist, pull the fabric through a bit, and you've created an almost Grecian look (almost...) and saved yourself from tripping all the time.

3) Don't get something that's completely sheer unless you plan on wearing it to the beach or to the Barbary. The maxi dress is frequently made of light, loose fabric. This can mean maxi-mum exposure to your goody bits if you're not careful. And if you're using the maxi as a big girl summer savior, the point is to not put everything on display. Use a slip or skip the dress all together. Trust me on this one.

4) Rotate the maxi. I've literally taken to wearing a maxi every day. How boring of me. Rotate the style and maybe nobody will catch on. They probably will, but at least put some effort into it. Wear different cuts, different styles, different colors. Use your different accessories with different dresses. Mix and match, bitches! It's fun.

Is anybody else almost completely disgusted by the fact that I've said such things as "Oh maxi, my maxi" and "Rotate the maxi" in this post? It's a dress. Just a dress.